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I’m gradually becoming more human again. Just a little bit. Not so snappish.

Dave’s come to stay with me for a few days (he still hasn’t got anywhere to live), and it’s nice to have the company, and someone to eat dinner with. Mum’s been anxious about me being on my own in the house, but it isn’t being on my own so much as just having too much to do and not being able to wind down.

Work is still tiring – I have this long list of tasks to do that never seem to end, and they all seem to have equal weight so it’s hard to prioritise them (I am finishing my lunch break by blogging, in case anyone wonders why I don’t have my nose to the grindstone at this particular moment). Perhaps I need a better list system, because I’ve definitely been working, just not finishing any of the big things that are on the list. My hours are STILL way behind, which is so depressing. I’m trying not to look at them and just plod along, but I’m not making much headway. I worked long hours for a brief burst there, and managed to carve a big chunk off the deficit, but then started getting sick and taking time off to help mum, and so now am only managing to do the minimum required hours. Part of me thinks this is okay, because it’s no good burning out, but another part of me just wants to scream because I shouldn’t still have this hanging over me.

Mum is doing well at St Luke’s. She is still feeling a bit trembly about it, but it’s only been just over a week! She has a whole new titanium knee (but strangely doesn’t seem to appreciate Bionic Woman references) and is able to get around pretty well. Thankfully she got moved to a much better room yesterday, and only has to share the bathroom with one other person so she’s a lot more comfortable and the whole indignity of it all isn’t as stressful.

I know she understands and keeps telling me to look after myself, but I feel bad for not spending lots of time with her. Problem is, by the time I get there after work I’m so tired I just want to have a nap and don’t feel like talking. Also driving from Maroubra to Potts Point every day is just that much further than ducking round the corner to Prince of Wales. Though it does seem to help if I drive the car with the working stereo – music helps everything. At the moment, it’s no-brainer, beatsy stuff like Sneaky Sound System because if I listen to anything that will engage me emotionally, everything might grind to a halt.

I got into the garden yesterday morning too, and that helped a bit. I don’t know whether any of the things I planted will grow in the horrible soil, but we’ll see. I had bought all these petunias and carrots and mondo grass a couple of weeks ago and hadn’t gotten around to preparing the soil properly, so they were just languishing on the back step. Hopefully I’ll at least get some cheerful flowers out of it – our backyard is so barren and depressing at the moment. Lots of sandy soil, heaps of onion weed, and random bits of rubbish (glass, pegs, rubble, a butter knife, cigarette filters) that make me wonder whether the previous tenants used it as a bit of a dumping ground.

Back to work.