Most afternoons over the past week, I’ve found myself swamped with a sort of low-grade despair. I don’t feel sad, but more anxious (usually the balance of my depression is the other way around). It’s just a weird aimlessness and lack of focus. I try to concentrate on work and have fits and starts of activity, followed by long periods of staring. I’m getting frustrated that my brain doesn’t appear to be wanting to work.
That’s not to say I’m not achieving things. I sent the 2017 Everyday Gratitude Diary off to print and am getting lots of pre-orders! A massive undertaking. Along with Karen and Guan, I recorded and launched the Hiveminded podcast this week! That’s pretty big. I’m organising a BHB Bali reunion retreat on the Mornington Peninsula for 10 people at the end of November! That’s huge. I installed a cat door, replaced toilet seats and bathroom fittings, and have started taming the garden! Who needs a handyman? Not me!
But creative stuff that requires a bit of thinking and originality, nope. Anything that requires more than about 10 minutes of clarity and deep rumination, nope. I intended to do some writing over the past fortnight and had gotten excited about a topic I wanted to explore, but nothing sticks. The thoughts are like slippery little fish that refuse to be hooked.
So I’m trying to use those little chunks of time well, when things swim into focus. But it’s hard not to feel a bit hopeless when you can’t get into any sort of momentum or flow. It’s hard, too, when you’re self employed and have to try and be motivated to get the work done. I shower and get dressed and show up at my desk each morning…but the difference between this and if I was someone’s employee is that I don’t get paid for just turning up at my desk (not that I’m saying it would be a good thing to be braindead at work on someone else’s dime, but you know what I mean!).
I know it’s the draining of the adrenalin and energy that got us through the move, and I just have to be patient and wait for the wells to fill up again, but oh, I’m such an impatient person. Maybe I’ll just be kind to myself and sit in my newly arrived Lovesac and read a book about writing that I bought ages ago on Guan’s recommendation and haven’t read yet. Got to start filling the well with something.
PS: Just as I finished writing this I saw the Lovesac guys reposted my Instagram – “That’s exactly how you do life. Awesome.” Well there you go – I am doing it right!
PPS and then, just after I posted this, I was reminded by a friend of my favourite passage in the Bible – Philippians 4:4-9:
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
I think I’m being reminded to, uh, not worry or something, right?