Well today has been the most debilitating depression day I’ve had in a long time.
I woke up and just couldn’t make my brain start. I got out of bed long enough to say goodbye to mum as she went off to work and then just couldn’t think what I was meant to do next. Didn’t want to eat. Didn’t want to shower. And not just the usual early morning inertia. It was total fog brain.
I thought I’d sleep the rest of the morning and go in to work later, but thankfully my boss said I should just do whatever I needed to get better (that is a good response, by the way) so I elected to take the whole day off. And then I couldn’t sleep anyway.
So I did an hour of yoga, thinking that maybe stretching and gentle moving would shift the mood. It felt good, but I didn’t get that ‘yay’ feeling at the end like I usually do. The whole hour I was bored and wishing it was over, but I got through it.
Then cried. Hard and for no reason. It kind of hurt.
After a hot shower I felt a lot better (showers have magical properties). I considered going to a movie, but I didn’t want to see something I’d normally enjoy (Guardians of the galaxy in this case) in case I just couldn’t enjoy it and it ruined it for me. I decided to go to Bunnings to look at bathroom stuff (we’re going to fix up our bathroom soon), and visit a patisserie (Baked) that I’d wanted to go to for a long time.
It took me another two hours to actually leave the house. Mainly because I was lying in the sun on the couch, staring at nothing and couldn’t get up.
The Bunnings trip wasn’t that useful, as I wandered up and down aisles, not really looking at anything much. But at least I got out of the house. And got some yummy dessert at Baked.
I’m still scared by days like this, even though I’m better at managing them than I used to be (i.e., recognising I need to stop and rest instead of trying to keep on going). I think it’s the result of a long period of sustained stress, and the addition of monthly hormones just pushed me over the edge. And probably all the sad news this week (esp Robin Williams) and all the talk of depression and suicide just making it top of mind. Not that I’m suicidal. At all. Don’t worry.
But not being able to shake the black dog when his jaw is clamped around you is pretty terrifying.