One of the topics at the Jelssievision filming yesterday was again internet dating, and when we went to Ikea after brunch, Jess and Elsie and I kept talking about relationships and the sort of things people say to you when you’re a single woman.
One of them is “maybe you’re too choosy” – I used to hear that one from my Chinese relatives every time they asked me if I had a boyfriend or not. And when I did have a boyfriend, they just kept asking me “when are we going to hear wedding bells?”, which wasn’t especially helpful either and a moot point because we wouldn’t have been ringing any kind of bell anyway. If we had gotten married the question probably would have moved on to “when are we going to hear the patter of little feet?”. So basically the lesson is, you’re never allowed to be happy and just exist in whatever state you’re in. And my Chinese relatives speak in cliches.
Anyway, the thing that annoys me about that sort of comment is a) it’s not like there is this queue of eligible men forming and I’m rejecting them all, and b) isn’t your choice of partner something you want to be choosy about?
Sure, if you are rejecting someone because they don’t drive a red Porsche, you are being picky (and foolish, mainly because that person is probably going through some mid-life crisis or needing to prove himself to the world and why would you want to be with that person?).
But holding out for someone with the same beliefs who loves you is a pretty foundational thing, I think.
I guess I’m grateful that I don’t live in an era when having any sort of identity as a human being or financial security as a woman meant you had to be attached to a male. I’m glad I am a fully functional, capable and independent person whether I’m married or single. I’m glad I am able to be choosy.