I wish I had positive things to write about. It’s not that anything bad has happened, it’s just that I’m in one of those phases where the fog is getting thicker and the positives are starting to seem very dim, even though they’re still there. I’m sure it will blow over soon, but I’m struggling not to feel overwhelmed and teary all. the. time.
I feel yuck about myself. I started Weight Watchers a few weeks ago and have already lost 4.6kg – yay me! But instead of feeling invigorated, all I see in the mirror is this blobby person who will never be a healthy weight (which is so untrue). Probably sitting around in my pyjamas doesn’t help.
I have been doing some design work and enjoying it and thinking that it is looking pretty good. But instead of that boosting me, it’s just making me feel tired and like I won’t be able to meet the upcoming deadlines because I’m already out of puff.
College and church are both great, and it is wonderful to spend so much time immersed in the word of God. And yet I still feel like a fake, like I have no right to be at college, like I’m being flaky at church.
Basically, looking at that list, what I’m doing is being waaaay too hard on myself. I can see that. I keep trying to think about how I can be less tough on myself, how I can just relax without feeling like I’m being lazy, and wondering where on earth this level of self-criticism came from. And the only thing I can say with any certainty is that God loves me. He cherishes and values me. And this season will not last forever – even if I wrestle with this depression for the rest of my life, it is but a blip from an eternal perspective.
Just got to keep looking up and clinging to the hope I have in Jesus. My Bible reading from Isaiah 35 last night helped immensely to refocus my view. What a glorious picture this is!
The desert and the parched land will be glad;the wilderness will rejoice and blossom.Like the crocus, it will burst into bloom;it will rejoice greatly and shout for joy.The glory of Lebanon will be given to it,the splendor of Carmel and Sharon;they will see the glory of the LORD,the splendor of our God.Strengthen the feeble hands,steady the knees that give way;say to those with fearful hearts,“Be strong, do not fear;your God will come,he will come with vengeance;with divine retributionhe will come to save you.”
Then will the eyes of the blind be openedand the ears of the deaf unstopped.Then will the lame leap like a deer,and the mute tongue shout for joy.Water will gush forth in the wildernessand streams in the desert.The burning sand will become a pool,the thirsty ground bubbling springs.In the haunts where jackals once lay,grass and reeds and papyrus will grow.
And a highway will be there;it will be called the Way of Holiness;it will be for those who walk on that Way.The unclean will not journey on it;wicked fools will not go about on it.No lion will be there,nor any ravenous beast;they will not be found there.But only the redeemed will walk there,and those the LORD has rescued will return.They will enter Zion with singing;everlasting joy will crown their heads.Gladness and joy will overtake them,and sorrow and sighing will flee away.