It’s hard not to feel lonely sometimes. It’s not that you’re alone, or that you lack friends or family, or that you’re not gainfully occupied. It’s just that sometimes you feel that gnawing at your insides, that unfillable hole that just seems to get wider and deeper with every passing day. You hear the self-indulgent wail that seems to bubble up from somewhere deep in your chest and makes you want to lie on the ground and drum your heels into the ground because of the unfairness of it all.
Only it’s not really that unfair, is it? I’m a capable person. I am valuable in my own right. I have plenty of ministry opportunities on my own. I have friends who love me for myself, not because of who my partner is. I have an identity all of my own. I am free to come and go as I please, and my time is mine to apportion as I see fit. Most days I am more than content with this situation.
And yet…and yet.
I don’t begrudge anyone their marriages. I have friends whose marriages make me feel so joyful. I have others whose marriages make me grieve. I have no illusions about partnership or marriage or even dating. I know it doesn’t solve problems. I know it creates its own. I know there are bad times as well as good, and that you can still feel lonely even when you’re lying in the same bed with your spouse.
But sometimes I think how nice it would be to have someone to walk along this road with me.
Someone to tell my everything to, and to hear their everything. Someone to cook with. Someone to laugh with. Someone to hold hands with, or sit quietly reading with, or pray with, or sing with, or…or anything really. Someone to embark upon a journey with.
It can get tiring when it’s just you, trying to keep all the balls in the air and feeling such a failure when you can’t.
I just have to commit it all to God, I know. And this too shall pass.