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I’ve had a terrible bout of hormone-related mood swings in the last couple of days – the worst in ages. I feel a bit sorry for my flatmate Dave (or anyone, really) for having to be in the same vicinity as me at times like this, but when I apologised for my mood he just shrugged and said “Why are you apologising?” so maybe I shouldn’t worry so much.

I forced myself to get up and do stuff today instead of lying around feeling morose. I went into the city to buy things, necessary and otherwise. I got:

  • ‘The Tent’ by Margaret Atwood, because I’ve just finished a book and thought it high time I get back into someone who used to be my all-time favourite author.
  • A pair of black pants at Nobue in the Strand Arcade, same as the khaki ones I got last week – they have been so comfortable and warm I thought they were worth doubling up on, especially as they’re on sale. They have this great double waistband thing with beautiful red Japanese fabric on the inside of the waistband and pockets (this, of course, led to Dave and I getting into an argument (both times) about the point of such detailing – he can’t understand why you would put something like that on the inside, where it can’t be seen. And I can’t explain, in a way he will accept, the joy little things like that give me. Not functional at all, just makes me happy. Of course, when I’m in a mood like this, I can’t just let it go and I get all upset not being able to make myself understood). Anyway, the girl in Nobue was very cheery and totally understood why I would buy two pairs of the same pants!
  • A teacup with a design on it called ‘contemplation’ – it shows a branch of cherry blossom and two figures fishing by a lake. It’s a pleasing oval shape and also has no handle, so you have to kind of cradle it in your hands, which I like. I got it at the Tea Centre, which I had never been to before but always wanted to check out because Karen mentions it in her blog from time to time. It was quite busy, but I liked sitting there, eating my fruit toast, drinking my yummy glogg tea (black tea, cinnamon, orange peel, almond, ginger, cloves and cardamon) and writing. I was trying to dissect my mood, writing down the various moods I get into and what is helpful/unhelpful about them. I wrote a page each about being reactive, aggressive and depressed and then I stopped. Hmm. Maybe I should have written about some of the more positive aspects of my personality too.
  • A pair of nobbly brown fingerless gloves, which will come in handy for when I’m freezing up at Varuna and madly trying to type.
  • Two pairs of hot pink and black knee-high socks, one pair stripey, the other pair argyle. They make me glad even though, like the waistband of my Nobue pants, they will probably never be seen as they will be covered by boots or pants.

Then I thought I had better stop with the retail frenzy before I did some really serious damage. I had an appointment at the gym, which I forced myself to keep even though I just wanted to curl into a ball on my bed, as I know that the endorphins from exercise help greatly with these kind of hormonal lows. I felt great while I was at the gym, but the benefits rapidly wore off by the time I got home and had dealt with things like grocery shopping, clothes washing and making dinner.

As well as the hormones, the weather probably doesn’t help. I do love the cold and the rain but of course it tends to make me feel melancholy. Also I feel really quite lonely, but don’t want to ring anyone or see anyone. Mum’s in Noosa for the weekend (and gets back after I go to Varuna), and I guess I would normally go to her for a big hug and some TLC. It’s really quite frustrating because I know how I’m feeling is irrational and it will pass, hopefully by tomorrow. But in the meantime it is the most suffocating miasma.