Well we actually had a decent conversation over dinner tonight. I think we’re learning to be civil…obviously these things just take time and I was lucky in March to be with a group that gelled so well.
So it was good that dinner was pleasant, as I’ve had kind of a shocker of a day.
It started last night with me spiralling downwards into ‘what am I doing this for?’ mood, then a ‘why did I ever think I could write?’, then ‘no one will want to read it anyway’, then ‘maybe I should just give it all up and become a gardener’ (prompted by watching Rod Dark gardening yesterday – he looked so…content). Jen chatted to me on MSN for a while and was very encouraging and told me I was hard of hearing because she was continually telling me that my writing was good, I just refused to accept it.
Then today I got an email from work about my pay and hours that, although completely reasonable, just upset me no end. Those feelings of frustration about work, feeling like I’m working as hard as I can to fix up the problems I caused yet getting nowhere, and feeling like I can’t make myself understood especially in terms of the importance of my writing, all heaped on top of the writer’s block/inadequacy thing from yesterday. So it was altogether not pretty. I burst into tears and couldn’t stop crying – so I’m glad it happened here and not in the office like it did last time the topic of my pay came up.
I decided to give it up as a loss and go for a drive. I had lunch at Leura and looked in the shops, bought some more musk sticks (necessary writing food) then drove to Hilda’s Lookout (above the CMS conference site – it has the most amazing view of the Megalong Valley) and sat there for a while, praying, thinking, crying, eating (of course), and talking to mum on the phone for half an hour. She helped me to calm down and be reasonable about it, and to see that this too would pass.
I listened to the Messiah as I drove back to Katoomba, bought a lightweight movie on sale at Kmart to watch in case I couldn’t get the negative thoughts out of my head, and some wine for dinner. Then as I headed back to the house, the following verses popped into my head (also, it’s my favourite Bible passage):
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
I thought – what’s the point of whingeing and complaining and crying and wailing about all these things? I’m being looked after. God has given me many great gifts and I am to use them in his service, for his glory. I need to trust him. I need to give my worries to him. So I did.
I wrote all this down in my journal, then took Catherine’s advice and did some editing just to feel like I was going forwards and not muddling around in the mire of lack-of-creativity (even though I told her it couldn’t be done and wouldn’t help). And what do you know, I ended up writing an important conversation between Daniel and his sister that pushes the story along rather a lot and actually achieved something useful today!
I am so blessed to have people around me who put up with my temperament and encourage me instead of saying I’m not worth the effort and giving up on me. I’m so blessed to have a God who loves me even though I keep forgetting to thank him for it. And I’m especially blessed to have the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, guarding my heart and mind in Christ Jesus.