an honest, slightly embarrassing, admission
and a strong desire to be kept accountable.
i blocked someone from msn this morning. i really hate doing that, as i like to give people the benefit of the doubt and try to get to know them, and msn is a bit of a difficult beast – it’s so easy to misread and misunderstand without body language and voice inflections and all the usual indicators that tell you whether someone is serious or joking or flirting or whatever. so when you meet someone online and get to know them through msn or myspace or whatever digital representation they choose to show you (WoW?), it’s hard to know what they are really like in the flesh and where the boundaries are and you can find yourself doing and saying things that you would never dream of doing or saying if the person was right there in front of you.
this person seemed like a really really nice guy and someone i’d get along really well with. he sent me a sweet message, i checked out his myspace page and he seemed to be on the level, not like some of the sleazy guys who just want to add a whole bunch of chicks to their friends list. i wrote back to thank him for his message and thought that would be it, but we ended up exchanging msn details.
we had some fun chats that turned towards quite, ahem, extreme and explicit flirtation. for a while i persevered with the contact, thinking it was all a bit of a joke, and he was flattering for sure. it boosted my ego like nothing else! but after a while it became increasingly clear that he didn’t want to get to know me, he was only interested in the sexual aspect. and for me, the ‘coming down’ was terrible; even though i tried to take it as a frivolous interaction, i wondered why he didn’t want to talk to me, why he wasn’t online, why he hadn’t added me to his friends list (an evil invention! it can make you feel so insecure!)…and then one day he pretty bluntly told me that it was impossible for us to have a conversation without it turning to thoughts of sex.
though it would have been pretty obvious to the casual observer, it took me a while to realise i had blundered again, and forgotten to guard my heart. i had bought into the lie that it was harmless, that i was in control, that it was all just a bit of fun. and yet it was screwing with my head and my heart, not to mention running in the complete opposite direction to the way God wants me to go!
i knew the only way i could stop giving in to this was to cut off all connection with him, but even so it took me ages to delete him out of my contacts. i really wanted to believe that we’d be friends, that he would want to know me as much as i wanted to know him. but considering i had given him absolutely no reason to respect me, there is no reason that he would.
anyway. he may read this, he may not. so, t, sorry but the fun wasn’t worth the compromise.
some things from a christian webzine i’ve also been reading this morning that helped clear my thinking (not necessarily directly applicable to me or my situation, and some of you non-christian friends might find it all a bit freaky, but this is where i’m at and the principles are worth thinking about):
sex at the edge of night
preference or sin?
how do i resist sex?