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it’s been a pretty full on couple of weeks. my body’s pretty much just given up altogether; i think i’m supposed to be nocturnal or something because during the day all i want to do is sleep. and yet, at night time all i want to do is stay up doing random things (like playing need for speed with dave for three hours…at least if i dream about being in an x box game tonight it’ll just be driving fast cars and not shooting aliens like when i played halo that time). so i’m not getting enough sleep.

but that might be because it’s been a weird emotional couple of weeks too, for various reasons.

  • started seeing a psychologist last week after talking about anti depressants with my GP – i think this is a good thing, but it took a lot to get to this step
  • been thinking about all the relationship issues we brought up, which is necessary, but sometimes revisiting stuff i didn’t really want to look at again
  • and ironically, this week i ran into someone i split up with over 10 years ago and had been really scared of running into for most of that time, and it was surreal and painful and at the same time really banal
  • for some reason, if i’m not thinking about all the above stuff, i keep freaking myself out at night when i go to bed by inadvertantly thinking about horror movies, which i can’t really handle at all, which doesn’t help with the lack of sleep
  • in a rare excursion, i went out on wednesday with my brother to zeta bar; it started off well but it ended as it always does, with us arguing about nothing in particular and him getting loud and obnoxious because he’s had too much to drink (i hate this, it upsets me)
  • i’m finding it hard to get excited about anything, or even to get through the normal tasks and commitments i have, and finding it really hard to communicate my exhaustion to other people

it just seems like i’m lurching from one thing to another at the moment and trying very hard to maintain some sort of equilibrium. i’m trying to catch bits of sleep here and there, like this afternoon i came home early from work and slept for an hour before going to kids club, and i’m glad i did (and kids club rocked). i try to do very little on the weekends, and i don’t see my friends much anymore which is frustrating, but…just the way it is unfortunately.

it’s kind of hard though, i tell people about what’s going on with me and some people get it, but some really have no idea. when i try to explain that i really can’t commit to anything or i just need time out they look as if they’ve understood and then try to organise me (“all you need is to do [insert activity here]”, “maybe you don’t get enough exercise”, etc). i don’t blame them i suppose, but i am getting better at saying no to things outright and not feeling guilty about it.

anyway. it’s all going to get better, but at the moment, that’s me for the end of march. all i can say is i’m glad it is definitely getting autumnal. 🙂

and to end on a completely unrelated note, here is my current favourite (schadenfreude) website. enjoy!