i can’t decide whether i like living alone or not. i love having my own space, filling it with my own things, eating what i want, doing what i want. i like not having to share a bathroom with anyone. i like coming home and everything being just how i left it. i like the quiet but i like to be able to make noise when i want. i like being able to have people over anytime. i like to be able to play the piano without anyone listening.
but sometimes i get bored. and lonely. it’s horrible when you’re sad or sick because there’s no one around to know or care about it. i love cooking but i end up eating all kinds of crap because i forget to start cooking until i’m way past hungry and then just need to eat anything (why is it easier to remember to cook when someone else is around?). sometimes i wonder why i need all this space. i never have any money. then i start to wonder what the point of living on my own is. am i just trying to prove i can do it?
i don’t want to get a flatmate who is a friend because i end up resenting them for stupid, petty things. i don’t want to get a boarder because i don’t want to share my space with a complete stranger. so i kind of want people around but not living in my space.
i have become a selfish hermit. i’m not good at staying in touch with people either, even when i miss them. not sure why that is. i always wanted the kind of place that people would just drop into, come round for a cup of tea on a whim, that sort of thing. but i don’t think people really do that; you seem to have to plan everything six months in advance.
and i seem to be getting agoraphobic or something – i find it really hard to go out these days. it’s also turning up places on your own, i’ve always found that really hard. and also i get really tired so fast that i worry about going out on my own and not being able to get home if i conk out (lack of money means i can’t just jump in a taxi like i used to). usually when i do go out i have a good time, but actually leaving the house has become a problem.
so come round sometime. i have lots of tea and space. 🙂