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just had a lovely dinner at tabou with my brother. it was a strange night though. he got quite inebriated, as is his wont, and was spouting all sorts of stuff about our parents’ divorce, our parents’ current situations, my singleness, my past boyfriends, and the fact that i’m a ‘good girl’ (because that’s a bad thing apparently), his string of ‘girlfriends’, etc. we argued a bit, but much of the night i had to just sit back and listen to his crude jokes and explicit language and hear about the nastiness of his life – but all framed in a way as if i should be envious of his lifestyle, with the implication that me trying to live a godly life is all a bit of a joke, because he knows what i’m really like, deep down inside.

the thing is, no he doesn’t. and even he would probably be shocked to know how sinful i am. but we all are, aren’t we? and the only person who can redeem us is Jesus and i for one am unbelievably grateful. that there is so much more to life than the hollow depravity so many of us take as normal, and that this redemption is freely available to everyone. it doesn’t mean that life is perfect and trouble-free, and it sure doesn’t mean that you suddenly stop sinning, but it is a great relief to know that i have been saved from this mess and that i am loved as much as it is possible to be loved.

nic and i parted on the surry hills street with a big hug and mutual ‘i love you’s (not youse), but it’s left me feeling a little rattled and very sad. it’s so hard to break into his perceived coolness and self-assuredness on one level, and yet he is so broken and in need of a relationship with Christ that i can’t even begin to work out how to approach that. i always want to reflect Christ’s love to him and to be a good example to him, but i find it quite hard sometimes to resist the pull of his worldliness. it suddenly becomes much easier to swear and put people down and to fall back into ‘old’ ways of behaving when i’m with him and i hate it!

but i do love him. my little brother.