some days are harder to get going than others. at the moment my bed seems like the place i want to be the most.
i had to make a Real Effort this morning, but then decided it was all or nothing. so i put on a skirt and nice shoes (i usually wear jeans or shorts and sneakers), blow dried my hair and even put make up on. amazing how much better it made me feel! it seems like a traitorous conceit in some ways – i hate the idea of self-worth being tied up in appearance, but then i suppose sometimes everyone needs costume and artifice. i must look different because my boss asked whether i’d had a haircut – he doesn’t normally comment on appearance at all.
i think today it is better to be at work than at home on my own (never thought i’d say that). my mind is doing irritating things when i’m on my own, like trawling over situations that i feel like i’ve already sorted out, and upsetting me all over again. when i’m at work those thoughts flit around the edge of my consciousness but i don’t have the opportunity to dwell on them.
i’m starting to feel like i might be getting better and stronger, bit by bit. or at least the peaks and troughs of melodrama are getting smaller, so the recovery time between mood swings is shorter. 🙂 the whole situation of my emotional state in the last couple of months just proves to me how flimsy our own constructs are, how we think we have built ourselves little emotional fortresses with impregnable walls and super-pointy defences, but it can take only one (fairly swift) blow to reduce the whole thing to rubble. more and more i understand what it means to commit everything to God, to trust him and to know that he is not letting me go, no matter what i do or how much i blunder through life. it’s a lesson i have to learn again and again, but every time i come back to it i see a new facet of God’s grace and feel such gratitude and peace, i am amazed i could ever forget it.