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went to see picasso at the lapin agile tonight. it was great – very funny, excellent performances, nice staging…highly recommended.

i went on my own, though, which was probably not the smart move given my mood lately. i hate walking into a room and not knowing anyone; even worse is knowing a couple of people but not very well. after the initial ‘oh, hi’ is dispensed with, there isn’t anything else to say and you all end up trying to pretend you didn’t notice one another. you can’t even stand around and pretend you’re someone with an interesting backstory, because they know you and they know that there isn’t really anything interesting going on, you just couldn’t find anyone to go to the theatre with.

mum’s comment was “now you know how i felt all those years i had to go by myself to see you in plays”. yes, i do. and i’m sorry!

still, it happened again, despite feeling like a total nigel – i sat there wondering why i wasn’t doing any theatre. why haven’t i written any scripts for years? why haven’t i worked on a show? why has that whole part of my life disappeared? because i loved working on shows, even with all the pretentiousness and personality clashes and late nights and exhaustion. maybe partly because of those things. i loved that feeling of three o’clock in the morning, having worked for the last 36 hours straight, dirty and tired, trying to put the finishing touches on a set, suddenly getting a sugar rush and running around like a maniac. okay, so i don’t strictly need theatre to do that, but…well, it legitimises it somewhat.

or…not.